F (minus!)

If there are any readers at all left, I'm sure you're all under the impression that I failed the bar or something. Of course not. After passing the bar (typically hung-over, on an empty stomach and sans much sleep), we went on a whirlwind tour of these great United States, rekindled passion for the most spectacular of persons, attended the nuptials of delightfully snarky friends, and generally had a whale of a time. That is to say, I couldn't be bothered with the banality of staring at a screen when I had a life to live.

Things have since taken a turn for the boring. But we're still rolling mighty deep in it. In the money, the booze, the friendships, the occasional kink, the law. There's mischief afoot in foreign lands, wrongs to be righted, scores to be settled and fortunes to be saved. In an uncharacteristic moment of hubris, we assign the "F-" to anyone foolish enough to oppose our onrushing greatness.


...ceterum, I believe that Bush should be, like, impeached.

tags technorati : the bar exam hubris law life

Law Graduate vs. the bar exam

A conflict solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and [hopefully, thankfully, mercifully] short.

it will all be over soon
it will all be over soon
it will all be over soon
it will all be over soon
it will all be over soon...




...ceterum, I believe that Bush should be, like, impeached.

tags technorati : the bar exam

Fiasco: The Stanford Law School Graduation Adventure

A few interesting things happened on graduation day (yesterday). Overall, it was quite the pleasant ceremony accompanied by minor SNAFUs. As I approach the requisite sobriety to type, I recall the scenes of interest and invite the gentle reader to judge just how "minor" said SNAFUs may be:

1. Massive feedback in the audio system at Memorial Auditorium gave friends and family a terrible start. Fortunately, the graduating class was occupied elsewhere. Otherwise, we might have shit ourselves thinking that the scary guy may have actually gone and done something unfortunate.

2. In the GSB courtyard, a graduating 3L was forced to submit to a raucous singing of "Happy Birthday" which delayed the processional.

3. The system of insuring that an appropriate number graduates were apportioned to each row of seats while keeping the class in alphabetical order failed so miserably as to leave many empty seats in some rows, while in others there were too few. The result was something that resembled a game of musical chairs each time the graduates sought to move to the stage.

4. A shortage of diploma covers (and accompanying letters instructing students to await their real diplomas) brought the ceremony to an uncomfortable halt that left us alternately amused, perturbed, and finally incredulous as faculty members left their seats and wandered about the stage in search of a box containing extras.

5. Despite the replenished supply of diploma covers, a short time later these too were exhausted. This time there were no extras to be found. Covers were then collected from graduates who had already received them and after some to-and-fro, a stack found its way into the hands of Dean Kramer. He quipped that the recycled covers were "warm."

Oh well, some days earlier a Dean was heard to remark, "It's a sham, of course it's a sham...So there's no reason not to participate." I guess it can't be too big of a deal. As the afternoon wore on, and more and more alcohol was consumed, the following email appeared in student inboxes.

Dear Class of 2007 and Larry,

I want to apolgize to you all for the fiasco today with the diploma covers.
While we can now explain what happened, there is no excuse for it having
happened once, much less twice. I take full responsibility and apologize
to you and your families. I hope that it did not mar too badly a day that
should have been full of celebration. Rest assured that it will never
happen to another class.
...

This warmed the cockles of many a heart. As did a follow up email from another graduate who declared that

Everyone...thought the diploma mix-up added levity to the
event, and was a wonderful opportunity for the generosity of our
class to shine. It was such a warm SLS moment; it certainly did not
"mar" anything!

Apart from the mea culpa and the following kumbaya moment, it should be noted that everyone has been deathly silent on the Dean's "Charge to the Class," which was quite the ramble and included a long-ass quote from Federalist I. Good to know our parents had the privilege of the boredom and confusion that typically accompanies the application of rather ancient political theory to current events. In contrast, my parents loved Professor Fisher's comments, as did I. I will remember those comments with better clarity when I watch the DVD of the ceremony; the above descriptions have taxed my somewhat impaired short-term memory.

...ceterum, I believe that Bush should be, like, impeached.

tags technorati : alcohol fiasco graduation law school

A Monica who doesn't suck

I've never been happier to not be somebody else. True, I have a bunch of shit that will have to get done by the end of the semester, but at least I'm not Monica Goodling.

Telling the Senate Judiciary Committee that you won't testify about your work for the Justice Department because doing so could incriminate you is hardly a good way to make the news.

Which really shouldn't worry her as her career has been inexplicably blessed, at least up to this point.

It all started with having to go to Bible College Law School (also known as Regent Law School, founded by a proud member of my ignominia list). If there was ever a law school with its priorities ass-backwards, it's Regent. In Regent's metric of the critical roles for the attorneys it produces, "counselor," "conciliator," and "defenders of the faith" all come well before what really matters: "effective client advocates." All of those other things are well and good but somebody's priorities are a bit off. Let's just say, if you aren't "of the faith," you might want to take your chances with a differently-schooled lawyer.

Given this unfortunate starting block, I can imagine Monica's wonderment at her seemingly miraculous elevation from graduate of Regent Law School to liaison between the Department of Justice and the White House.

Where are our trusty affirmative action critics when we need them? When this incredibly under-qualified (not to be confused with unqualified) lot starts deciding which US Attorneys to fire, things must be pretty bad. But these folks didn’t get a leg-up, or whatever pejorative the over-entitled-yet-still-bitter types are using, they got appointed. Now, from what I know at this point, I can't deduce that Ms. Goodling and her classmates from Regent are bad lawyers or otherwise particularly stupid. What I will say is that Regent, compared to the vast majority of American law schools which are mostly on the same page as the Constitution with respect to the establishment clause, is a strange little outfit of dubious quality and people who choose to go there are also strange, especially if they have other options. Those members of the Federalist Society at real law schools who are so suspicious of any minority who happens to get ahead of them would do well to offer their services to the administration so that it doesn't have to hire from the Bible College Law School barrel.

Not that I realistically expect them to willingly board a sinking ship or anything.

Notwithstanding the foregoing vicious elitism, it's a shame what is being done to this ill-placed woman. Seriously, does anyone doubt for second that a few phone calls went 'round between the important people with the frat connections, the Texas crew that knew each other from that small, small world of fancy graduate programs where nobody is separated by more than 2 degrees, and decided that the outsider who went to the Bible College Law School would be the one to hang? Apparently there is a corollary to "VP-in-charge-of-going-to-jail," a position where you get to carry the messages that will get everyone in trouble if they make it into the public record. We'll call it "sacrificial lamb." I'm sure Monica won't find the whole mutton thing too terrible if she believes she's being sacrificed for the greater glory of the Lord’s Anointed…by whom I mean Bush.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot
...ceterum, I believe that Bush should be, like, impeached.

tags technorati : affirmative action monica goodling gonzales law school

Condilicious

The girls playing Condoleezza and Mary Cheney are way hotter than their real-life counterparts but don't let that rain on your parade. Also, I'm not entirely convinced that it would qualify as "girl-on-girl" ...



That said, absurdity is the best antidote to stupidity; there's really no need to dignify these people or their crimes by debating them as if they actually know what they're talking about.

tags technorati : girls politics rice snark war

spring break, last thursday night

San Francisco Bay Area

it started with a declined invitation to smack some balls at the driving range...

it continued with pre-game to the sounds of the Littl'ans album; too many drinks at the Clift; a random girl heartlessly, but without malice and quite inadvertently, told that her resume didn't measure up; the acquaintance-making of several interesting and vaguely twisted people; a surprisingly small bar tab at an inexplicably picky club

it ended with an angry bouncer banging on a bathroom stall door, a 90 MPH party in the back of an SUV on HWY 101,
and, thankfully, no arrests.

tags technorati : Partying Society

American Mahdi, continued

Herein we continue our somewhat discursive fulmination...

Simply because both law and religion have failed to rid us of such anti-social behaviors, it does not follow that they are both similarly useless. Indeed, if so many religious dictates weren’t so easily interpreted as “don’t gather firewood on Shabbat,” “women are dirty for a few days every month,” “beat your disobedient children,” “fly plane into building,” “exterminate the unbeliever(s),” and so on, I’d say that religion was just fine at keeping some of those anti-social types in check. Unfortunately, the threats of fire and brimstone and bolts from the blue are neither swift nor sure and serve less of a deterrent than the modern death penalty. Which brings us to the utility of secular law for dealing with conscienceless malcontents: we can lock these people up.

But let’s not stop with the impact of good religious values on one’s propensity to kill people. Surely, without a solid grounding in scriptural morality, courtesy of public school, all our young people will move to San Francisco and have lots of gay sex. Once again, this probably won’t happen. Not that I think gay sex is yucky (actually it’s pretty damn hot if you’re reading about it over at Jefferson's blog) [shameless plug], I just generally prefer vagina. And believe you me, the book of Leviticus (which I’ve (NOT!) just finished reading for the 3rd time…) does not go very far in enhancing one’s appreciation for vagina. If people are upset by such “immoral” behaviour, perhaps a bit of perspective might ease their angry hearts: if you think being gay is deviant or against nature, just think about all those folks who don’t feel anything is wrong with killing people who disagree about what constitutes the “law of God.” Believe me, you have scarier things to worry about – namely your more faithful neighbors who are certainly worth more in His eyes.

An aside: to the extent that the twits at Exodus International manage to turn gay people straight, it is in the same way that fundamentalist Islam allows otherwise intelligent, level-headed folks to strap explosives to themselves: by inculcating a sense of loathing of the state of the self and the world around them, by telling them that their deficiency lies in a deviation from God’s straw-man of perfection. And before you try to sue me in the UK, just remember that truth is an absolute defense to libel.

A rather bright professor recently described to me his thinking on how to mediate particularly intractable disputes (i.e. South Africa, Northern Ireland, Israel and the Palestinian territories). He said that what links individuals who have made substantial progress is that they are the sort of people who can evince in their adversaries a measure of trust that the future they envision would be tolerable to all concerned. Conflict is driven by a refusal to recognize a future environment that does not pose an existential threat to “the other.” The teleology of human freedom, if such a thing exists, points to systems that embrace dissimilar viewpoints and goals to the extent that we can all live with it. I would speculate, upon very little reflection, that there is more room in a community governed by Bill’O’s much-maligned “Secular Progressives” then in one run according the precepts of the Bible or the Koran – which might explain why nobody bothers to write such books in the age of globalization. By all rights, there should be less tolerance of apocalyptic religions than there is for SUVs: global warming will only drown us slowly, but the faithful doomsayers among us will doubtlessly cheer nuclear war as a sign of the rapture.

tags technorati : Culture Ethics Law Religion Society

American Mahdi, or, The Dangerous Glorification of the Simple, God-centered Life

I have no good excuse for neglecting this blog.

You know the Bible 100%!

 

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

At the outset, the preceding should adequately demonstrate my credentials to those who would argue that I don't know or understand the biblical worldview.

Parts of America have a long-term affair with anti-intellectualism, following the gut, olde tyme religion ("It was good for my dear mother...It's good enough for me"), and similar platitudes that tell people they're doing OK when they're really just losers who for a host of reasons have little to look forward to besides the end of the world.

The moral certitude of this ilk is particularly troubling. Owing, as it does, more to the homogeneity of environment than to the exhausting of alternatives through ethical investigation, be it consequentialist, utilitarian, contractarian, or whatever. As one's high-school math teacher would intone, you really must show your work. The effect of this sort of ethical non-reasoning is that there is no individual moral calculus to go with the certitude. Religious moral indoctrination does not consist of a realistic discussion of what makes something right or wrong. Unless you count the definition of sin as a deviation from the perfection that is the essential form of reality. Which is to say, sin is "a privation of conformity to right reason and to the law of God."
Translation: sin is not what you or your friends feel to be wrong; it is what God (and His legion messengers, interim representatives, and assorted acolytes) tells you is wrong.

Admittedly, there is some merit to the argument that secular law, being a mere aggregation of society's moral attitudes tempered by the thoughts of several wealthy men (plus, Ginsberg), is somewhat suspect. But no more so than the package of mores derived from ancient texts and regurgitated by those saucy controllers of our private steps, Messers Robertson and Falwell, and written into the platform of a major American political party. The difference I find most edifying is that secular law, and ethics, requires an explicative process, an articulation of rationale, a weighing of the likely impact, an accounting of the expressed feelings of interested parties. In short, it requires an exercise that forces us consider the effects of our actions on people who are dissimilar in interests, opinions, and values. Because of its explicit reliance upon one's subjective theory of what constitutes the law of God, basing one's morality on a doctrine of sin rather than a religiously neutral and personal sense of right and wrong necessarily discounts dissimilar perspectives. Christians don't get to write Sharia. More’s the pity; it would be fun to watch.

Perhaps religion’s biggest selling point is that without it people will do as they please, giving themselves over to an inherently sinful nature and wreaking untold havoc upon foe and family alike. People have certainly fallen for more transparent frauds, but this one is pretty big. Most people within a given social milieu don’t like killing, or rape or theft for that matter. The properly socialized among us view such actions as abhorrent (except for theft, which inexplicably remains a favorite diversion of the well-heeled). Quite predictably, we’ve made laws against. The question I pose is whether in the absence of religious faith, and its accompanying moral sense of right and wrong, everyone would suddenly want to rape, murder and steal. Unless you don’t have a conscience, the answer probably goes something like “probably not;” perhaps in more tortured cases one might say “well, it depends on the circumstances…but, probably not.” Surely there are plenty of people running about sans conscience, but I highly doubt that any of them are deterred from engaging in the shit that scares the hell out of the rest of us by a sermon or faith in one or more good books. Such people, usually by definition, don’t like books (good or otherwise) and don’t have the requisite attention span for sermons. They’d just ignore them anyway.

tags technorati : Culture Ethics Law Religion Society

the end-of-summer review

[Hiring Partner]: Nice to see you kid; how was the summer?

[Summer Associate]: Really great, you folks are running a stand-out operation and I'd love to be part of it.

[HP]: Funny you should mention that. Your reviews remained largely consistent since we last spoke [a few weeks ago].

[SA]: That's good to hear...

[HP]: Yeah...not really. We like to see a good deal of progress over the course of the summer program. You must understand; we don't hire lawyers into the summer program, we hire potential lawyers. You needed to show us a solid trajectory of progress towards your potential.

[SA]: I don't understand what I did wrong...

[desperation sets in as Summer Associate begins to see fearful visions of a 3L recruiting season; explaining to potential employers why she doesn't have an offer from her 2L summer; in the best case, returning to this firm on a cold offer with everyone generally disliking her.]

[HP]: As much as it disappoints us, we're going to have to go ahead and make you an offer to return as a full-time associate. Don't take it too hard, we're generally disappointed with most of you kids who wander out here.

[Hiring Partner looks out the window of his well-appointed office at the palatial plaza below and thinks: Every year you summer associates get younger, dumber and wealthier; we only get older and wealthier. Don't you see that your wealth is at our expense? For christ's sake, we had to match that obscene salary increase this spring. One hundred and forty-fucking-five thousand dollars a year just to keep you suckers coming back for more. Not to mention that if we don't invite you back, you'll talk a tremendous amount of shit about us to your friends back at Ivory-Tower-Up-Your-Ass School of Law.]

[HP]: You'll make a lot more progress when you get back and have to take a more serious view of things. Don't worry, we'll dangle a bonus in front of you and the rest will take care of itself. Do you have any questions for me?

[SA - too relieved to pose a useful query]: Not at this point. Thank you very much. I'll let you know my decision shortly. It's been a real pleasure working with everyone.

[Summer Associate flees the room, returns to her office and makes several celebratory phone calls]

tags technorati : Law Firm Summer Work

wherein we spent weeks in NYC and then returned...

[S] was in an undisclosed super top secret location over the summer somewhere in fly-over country. I missed her terribly and despite the huge paychecks, I was bored to tears. To state the obvious, relationships are difficult and complicating [ironic sic].

[S]’s arrival in the city happily bifurcated the summer. The roommate came home early from visiting family and created an awkward moment. I can't help but think there are few contextual positives for us. The perpetual background drone is that I'm leaving California in a year.

I went to work most days; the commute from the lower east side involves a 40-minute trip to law-firm row along 6th Ave. Needless to say, I wander past some rather hipster-infested bars on the way home.

I was happy to be informed over the summer of what must be the most classy line uttered by a summer to a senior associate the night before having his office cleaned out in a decidedly ceremonious firing: You don't fucking know me; I'll fucking stab you!

By all accounts, the poor chap had spent the evening getting drunk and carrying on loudly about all the nasty things he wanted to do to the associate's attractive fiancée.

I spent a good deal of time on self-guided walking tours of real estate hot spots. Turns out, there’s not much I can afford even with a proper pay check. It must be hell to be poor in this city. I guess I’ll be back in a year in a part-time vaguely bohemian bourgeois incarnation.

tags technorati : Law New York Relationship Work

"Hey sucka, your firm is our bitch!"

...spoken like a true "summer" or first year, pre-bar admission, know-nothing. As soon as someone offers you a nicer chair, you're going to be working for that "bitch" firm, you just castigated. Of course, the only firms that could possibly be in a situation to steal business from one another, or hire another to do work, enjoy the elite status that creates the insufferable ego in this little world. You have to be pretty good to be a bitch. That said, many would say that it's all the same job. You all make over $165k before taxes, you all have decent offices. But some of you have perspective, scope, depth, and all the other things that set a solid, local firm apart from those of us who rule the global roost.

If anyone's going to be classified as a "bitch," they are the contract att'ys that we hire to do the shit work that first years are too smart for and is to too boring, even for summer associates (who, one must remember, still have the option to get bored and go elsewhere). These poor folks might have passed the bar (more than I can say for myself), but they don't have offices, they don't socialize with the associates or partners...or summers; they just take assignments. From what I hear, it's a narrow job description.

I go to lunch everyday. For two hours. I never pay. It usually costs about $100/att'y. I wake up about an hour after returning to the office and then go back to work. It's really important stuff. Let's just say that dollar-wise, the collective is bringing in 10 digits...easily.

tags technorati : Law Firm Summer Work

LES sans snark

I moved to the lower east side. Heavens knows I can afforded to live in a luxury apartment anywhere excepting Fifth Avenue or somewhere truly posh, but it turns out I'd rather buy a few new suits, a decent umbrella, Dior Homme sunglasses and still have money left over after the summer. As such, I parked myself in a cheap apartment in a trendy area where I hope to indulge in insufferably trendy dive bars, trendy coffee and tea and meet trendy people. The roommate goes to journalism school at decidedly elite institution (to which I was accepted but somehow never found the time to attend); we get along quite well. Choosing roommates is a wee bit of drama these days. I had anticipated living with some law students also doing "internships" in the city but I should have realized that any second year law student who speaks of "having" an "internship" as opposed to "being" a "summer (associate) at [some big firm]" would not really be, shall we say, of my ilk. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

What I'm really looking forward to is a long walk about town during which I'll take a bunch of photos and then do a few shots with one of the local alcoholic beverage licensees.

Work starts in a week.

tags technorati : Fashion Neighborhood Roommate Summer

Wheels Up!

I had to leave this morning. It was an excellent flight: I took two sleeping pills upon take-off with some effervescent "Airborne" brand anti-sickness stuff and asked for bourbon and soda at the first drink service. I've never traveled with so much junk in my life while leaving so much behind. Literally, figuratively; there was far too much left behind.

After touch-down, I needed a good deal of retail therapy, a phone call from [N] or [S], whatever. Instead, I got a mile-long taxi line (in which persons were strictly admonished not to smoke), and a rather uneventful trip to Queens where I was to be the guest of my famously alcoholic college roommate. Little did I know the extent to which cigarette smoke will permeate one’s belongings when there are three smokers (two occasional, one constant) in the same apartment.

I write a portion of this in retrospect of the weekend of my arrival:
After a few rather eventful days, I trekked to the Upper West Side in preparation of a great deal of writing interposed with a subway-move to the Lower East Side. I really do live in two entirely different worlds: one pleasantly rarified and conducive to work, the other boisterous to an extent thoroughly in keeping with the marked absence of money. Admittedly, it was much fun in undergrad but now it doesn’t make very much sense. In truth, I now only visit The Land of Undergrad in fleeting episodes, such as last weekend. I fear I’ve changed too much to actually enjoy living there. Alas, college mirth; we knew thee for but a moment.

tags technorati : Friends New York Relationship Summer

Of Musicals and Drunken Hiss-n-Boos

The Law School Musical was a smashing success this year...gender, ethnic and school-based stereotypes abounded in such quantity that the participation of Justice Kennedy and former-Justice O'Connor may give rise to a Bivens action if someone could show that the Justices were acting "under color of law" when they shot video which was displayed at the opening of Act I. It was that self-indulgent. But at the time, we were all duly fascinated. At length, the variously admired and occasionally ignored dean of the law school took the state to annouce the law prom-coronation of two characters in the narrative. There was hissing and booing from the drunken quarters and applause from those of us sober enough to know that institution would not appreciate audible discord on the DVD version of the production. There are certainly uncomfortable moments in law school but the "unfortunate event" at the musical revealed much of the illustrious assembly as drunken bores. Perhaps there's something to be said for staid, stuffy lawyers with a bit too much decorum.

tags technorati : Alcohol Law School

Admitted Student Weekend

There were a lot of "admits" hanging around campus this past weekend. I wasn't on campus. I did some reading at a cafe, went to San Francisco and bought some clothes, had dinner with a disarmingly cool character and mostly minded my own business. Unfortunately, I also slept through a classmate's birthday party. But who starts a wine and cheese party at 6:00 PM on a Saturday? (That's another problem with this whole "small town" scene: people do stuff really early. If I say I'm doing something social at 3:00, I typically mean "3:00 in the morning." But that's a Continental and East Coast thing...I digress...) I did pop into the law library Saturday afternoon and witnessed a bunch of folks wandering around the courtyards. Obviously admits. I didn't talk to any of them.

My advice for those students recently admitted to some of the best law schools in the country and currently trying to decide where to attend:

Are you familiar with the strategy of anti-smoking campaigns in the late 1980s? The pictures of a healthy, pink lung juxtaposed with the brown corroded-looking smoker's lung? Well, think of that lung as your immortal soul. A fellow over at CLS has a blog titled Three Years of Hell to Become the Devil; you should read it. Also, you should have already read a good deal of Milton, Yates and The Bible. We already have enough cultureless bores wandering around here in shitty "California" outfits and visors. (They're all very smart but their tastes and mores reflect poorly on what should, at this level, be a learned profession with members worthy of emulation.)

But quite apart from the cultural issues, I strongly urge you to consider whether there are people in your life whose moral compasses, shall we say, donÂ’t spin. You will have to spend a lot of time explaining things to these people. Likewise, do consider that those with "spinning compasses" will wonder what your problem is when you decide that profit optimizing schemes should typically meet with stern sanction when they predictably endanger life, limb or property. If you're a Bush supporter (I don't know whether you're blind, dumb, or just dishonest, yet here you are), you should be prepared to burst into tears at the abuses done to this country or else die suddenly from the cognitive dissonance.

But to directly address your current predicament as to where to matriculate, I suggest you avoid schools that use or plan to use the quarter system (persons with particularly strong work ethics and LSATs over 175 may ignore this), schools with more that 500 students in the entering class, and schools in rural or suburban areas. Beyond that, just attend the highest ranked of the legal dojo that will abide your presence. You'll get to do plenty of punching.

Good luck. I'm off to start the whole exam-prep thing. Right after I take this shot and...

tags technorati : Culture Law School

shop-person encounter #1 (presumptious and depressing)

I really don't like buying from middle age shop-folks. They don't know how to relate to young, cash-laden intelli-brats. For example, I was in Nordstrom and this obnoxious lady, who shall remain nameless, followed me around the store as I did my best to ignore her. I recall saying something about shopping for my dad and I suspect I may have motioned for her to hold something while I snickered into my cell phone about an "upcoming purchase." The over-bleached 40-something blonde, who'd clearly saved up her pennies for a bad face lift, had the nerve to hand me her business card after ringing up my purchase and said she hoped I enjoyed the jeans and that they'd look good when I went out later. She didn't even offer me a gift receipt. Now, how many skinny, fashionable boys do you know who wear relaxed-fit Zegna jeans in size 34? Do I look like I try to impress women by playing Michael Bolton in my new Buick Lucerne? ("Beyond precision, not beyond your reach.") A week later, she sent me a "just because" note...with another business card. Desperate. I just don't think we'll be able to have a retail-based relationship. Just because I overspent on a given day doesn't mean that I'm going to seek out your services, especially when it's so obvious that you'd put me in jeans that would suit my dad but are big enough to make me look like a vastly over-subsidized hog farmer. Well, I guess I should forgive her for assuming that grad students don't shop for their parents every once in a while. Hey, my dad lets me drive his land yatch when he visits and bought me a suit that reads "The Future of the American Legal System" at fifty paces; the least I can do is pick him up a pair of quality jeans every so often.

addendum sequitur:
I think we'll make this #1 of a series. It will probably see updates with somewhat greater frequency than our Physiognomy series...if only because the law school is closer to the shopping center than the county courthouse. I suspect it won't be as entertaining; I've yet to see someone dragged kicking and screaming from Polo or a lawyer stuffing a Ferragamo in his mouth at Neiman’s. Yea, harken unto my words: We'll be back in the courtroom soon enough.

Superfluous approbation

Yo Harvard, read and weep.

To Yale, all due respect; hope you're enjoying the winter in New Haven.

REVOLT!

As I walked to class this morning, thinking deep thoughts about how a 23 year-old came to skip the "$1000 Wardrobe" spread at page 162 in April's Esquire in favor of the "$5000 Wardrobe" spread 6 pages later, I could not help but detect the drums of discord. Or, with somewhat more precision, the 'pings' of discord; as most of the angry racket has been flowing via Outlook inboxes. Basically, people don't much like the new dean, or his plan to turn this place into the only "holy trinity" law school on the quarter system, or the fucking (adj.) undergrads in our library; or the fact that said dean refuses to dispose of said undergrads. A few tidbits follow:

Right on, [L]. I'd be willing to trade my library use for the ability to use the actual grass at the driving range. those mats are awful, and the lines make alignment impossible.

I'm sure any administrative discussion will be just like the quarters
system: the students are against a situation, therefore it will continue unabated, much like the domestication of the dog
- A charmingly cynical soul

...Let the undergrads go work on the damn second floor, where there are no windows, or on the third floor, which is still stuck in the 1970s. The good chairs are on the first floor, as is the reserve desk, as is our lovely new chess board. When does my opinion count at this school? Didn't count during the quarter system debate, doesn't count now......why did we hire a Dean who cowtows [sic] to the administration when we pay his salary? Why is it that whenever there is an issue that affects students he is against us instead of working for us - which is his job (that and raising money on our behalf)?
- Anon.

Man, with 90-plus-percent of the law school pissed at the undergrads, the undergrads chatting up irritating us on their email lists, offers of what will surely be a terrible drinking event at the enchanted broccoli compound (as opposed to those other rocking undergrad events where grad students are always labeled "sketchy"), and serious discussion going forward about a petition drive to withhold 3L giving until this or the quarters system reflects students' wishes, we really have so much comity here. So much!


Sooner or later someone is going to stop asking questions about the undergrads and the pedagogical benefits of the quarters system and start asking the right questions: How much does Sullivan really want to take the California bar again, and how long is our current leader's contract?
- Anon.

...Thus, the attorneys found themselves preparing for engagement on no less than two fronts

Then the undergrads tossed a bomblet...

My personal retort:
Average SAT: 1400+
Number of "hot dates" in past year: 1
Time spent jacking off in law library in preparation for physics exam: 2 hrs.
Time spent screeching on cell phone in law library in preparation for physics exam: 3 hr.
Time spent showering, brushing teeth, applying deodorant, picking out clothes prior: null
Directions to "Go Fug Yourself" in link list at right: damn near priceless

The learned attorneys mused about a response...

It's very kind of the undergrads to take time off from studying to share fashion tips with us, but I think we might have the formula down already:

ill-covered beer gut (on both guys and girls- charming) + sloppy sweatpants and/or unfortunate miniskirt + distorted sense of one's own physical attractiveness = Stanford undergrad

I'm crushed I'll be missing the 8 pm fugly parade- should make for some decent observational humor...
- Genteel Bane of UGrads

A short time later, hostilities commenced...

Scene: Undergrad grossness gathers around the library tables.


Large Dustin Diamond look alike (very loudly): "Ok, we're going to sing happy birthday to..."


[E, Fearless Insurgent Captain](equally loudly): "No you're not. This is a library and people are trying to study. Shut the f**k up."


Classic stuff. And yes, actually sing happy birthday. The undergrads party that much.

The next day (this afternoon), the dean looked down from his perch and said:

...For the Law School to flourish it cannot conduct its business apart from the rest of the University as an independent operation. We need the support and cooperation of the University in a great many areas...immediately and in the long run, the Law School as a whole, but especially the students, have more to gain by being an integral part of the larger Stanford community than we do from remaining separate. .... It would do us significant harm within the University were we to be the lone department that precludes other members of the University community from using our facilities.

Never mind that the current acrimony has nothing to do with access to the book resources of the library; only access to a very expensive (paid for by law school alumni), and heretofore quiet, reading room on the first floor. Never mind that I use the other libraries to (gasp) check out books and depart. But, alas, my commentary skews officious. The gentle dean continued thusly:

...the law library will address issues of noice [sic] and inappropriate behavior by clearly posting our rules and asking everyone to comply. Incidents like what took place last night will not be tolerated. The library is a space to study, not to protest or socialize, and anyone who interferes or disrupts the proper use of the room will be asked to leave. .... I view restricting access to our current space as a last resort and want first to see if we can address the problems in less drastic ways.

Again, never mind that the "last resort" option of restricting access to the space has been working fine for years. I’d mention some other candidates for dean but I wouldn’t want them disappeared.

Colliton gets a bit less...Cravizzle

So, last time I lived in New York, it was my habit to wander up Third Ave. on Sunday mornings as the hour approached for legal alcohol purchasing. Along the way I'd pass the St. Marks Hotel and wonder what sort of debauchery was afoot within. Seriously, what kind of hotel has a green door, a green sign and happens to be located between Cooper Union (geeky weirdos) and the rest of St. Marks Place (kinky weirdos)? Low and behold, I crawled out of my very hazy weekend to discover that a tax attorney, formerly of the venerable Cravath, Swaine & Moore LLP, had been captured within. See Google News Dump.

I should say something off colour here about tax attorneys, but I won't because some of my friends claim to have enjoyed tax law and I don't want them to feel like perverts.

Anyhow, Mr. James Colliton, a fellow, who, if guilty of the several misdeeds alleged against him, ought to be clapped in irons, looks like a complete wanker. See his picture here. To the credit of the financially endowed Cravizzle folks, one could paraphrase their response to media inquiries as "Colliton don't work here no mo'!"

Seriously dude, exercise a little restraint and at least move to Colorado City, Utah. There you can stay married to your original wife, keep hanging out with your kids and engage in committed, though un-sanctioned, liaisons with all the underage girls you want—blessed by God's graceful smile, if you ask the locals. Hell, you might even score a pair of sisters. Of course, you might have to part with that posh job at Cravizzle, which does not maintain offices in Utah. For very good reasons, I'm sure.

addendum sequitur :
I have never worked for Cravath; I didn't even interview with them. I did hear that one of their hiring partners had to the nerve to ask a classmate of mine if he was a practicing Muslim during the interview. So, I guess you could say they occasionally push the bounds of propriety—if only when faced with a robust non-discrimination policy.

Also, the polygamists in Colorado City aren't even Mormons, or Latter-Day Saints, for that matter.